We in North Carolina experienced the Ice Crone’s wrath Monday and are still digging/thawing out. I missed two days of work. Some folks missed even more. The school systems are trying to plan how to make up the excessive snow days. Snow and ice are so disruptive. They make me go into panic mode if I so much as have a fleeting thought of driving anywhere. I’m from South Carolina, where there is even less snow; I blame my phobia on that.

The sun is out and melting the snow from the roads. It will refreeze tonight, but I will drive slowly on my return from work. Until it all melts, the beauty is breathtaking. Snow disguises the clutter and mess. It shows the landscape in an entirely new and wondrous perspective. 

I heard on the news today that all states have snow – except Florida. I’m sure those of us who have so much of the white stuff would be willing to share.

Did I accomplish my “to do” list while I had time off? No. It seems I never do. Did I make any New Years Resolutions? No. Why make a promise you can’t (won’t) keep? Did I enjoy myself? Yes. I spent time with my husband and family. I spent quality time with our cats and little dog. I did everything at my own pace, no rushing to beat a clock or deadline.

One thing those days off did for me was make me look more longingly into the future and retirement. Whether I retire early at 62 (doubtful) or at full retirement age, having my days free to do as I liked made retirement look good.

Those thoughts aside, today there is a clock to watch, time constraints, and deadlines. So, its back to the daily grind. I have also taken up the Post-a-day Challenge WordPress tossed out to their bloggers. So, for better or worse, this blog will be more active. The quality of the content is NOT guaranteed.

Please bare with me as I try to get the gears oiled and moving in my tired old brain and write a post a day this year. If you have taken the challenge too, let me know. I’d like to see what you are talking about each day.

Be Blessed.

My library has grown to consume huge amounts of space because I can’t seem to part with any book. Topics range from mundane cookbooks to history and religion. There are books on gardening, minerals, gemstones, food storage, herbs, and poetry. There are novels and technical manuals.

When my children were small, I told them that if they learned to read nothing would be out of their grasp. Whatever you want to learn about is somewhere in a book, waiting for your eyes and brain to absorb the knowledge.

Nowadays, the options for learning by reading have increased a thousand fold due to the internet. The potential for learning is mind boggling.  Likewise, the potential for writing, sharing your knowledge and opinions, has grown with the internet. To me, this is the greatest thing it offers. Those who want to see their thoughts go out to others can write a blog and reach their audience.

As for me, I still keep adding to my book collection.

And the journals are still increasing, although slower since I started blogging my thoughts.

The scarcity of birthday cakes in my life is caused by the nearness of my birthday to Christmas. Only one day separates the two events on the calendar. As a result my birthday and Christmas have always been a blended holiday: this gift is for Christmas and your birthday, people always said when I was a child.  Some still do it today. My children and grandchildren don’t. We have had many Christmases where gifts for my birthday were held back and after the Christmas gift opening was over, someone would announce that now was time for Mama to open her birthday gifts.

The children and grandchildren seldom come here for Christmas anymore. I live too far away from the rest of the family and they choose to gather more locally. Travel is difficult for us since my husband’s disability so we don’t make the trip down to where the yearly coming together takes place. These days we celebrate the holidays with each other, simply and quietly, just enjoying each other’s company.

My granddaughter has an excellent memory. She plotted and planned to make me a birthday cake and bring it on my birthday. Mother Nature stepped in with the Christmas snowstorm and nixed her plan. But today was a mild winter day for us and she arrived with her husband and children early this afternoon, birthday cake in hand.

May the God’s bless her for not attempting to put the exact number of candles on this cake. If she had, we may have burned the house down before I could have blown them out.

My birthday story has to be revised now, for I have, in my entire life, had three birthday cakes. Each cake made by someone who loved me enough to make my birthday stand out as a special time. Each cake made by a person who will always have a special place in my heart, with or without a cake, for they love me for who and what I am.

With that to compare to, 2010 was not too bad. Sure, the economy tanked and I feared for my job just like everyone else. National politics and all the crazy actions by our lawmakers drove me nearly insane. Chronic illness among my cats and the death of one have worried and hurt me. BUT, I have not made those mad dashes to the emergency room and I have not paced the waiting room floor while more surgery was done on my beloved husband.

However, 2010 was the year I started a slow crash and burn. Knowing, but in denial, I slid into depression and anxiety to a point of making an emergency room trip of my own. Life can be difficult caring for an amputee. Slowly but surely; caretaking, job responsibilities, the house and gardens became “too much”. Formerly joyful things lost their appeal as lethargy set in. In depression, each day becomes like the next as you go through the motions and get things done on autopilot. Eventually it becomes nearly impossible to get them done at all.

Thankfully, I have a great doctor who has gone through the last years with me and, once consulted, started helping me feel better. I am feeling more like myself now. Thank goodness!

As I write, we are on our first day of 2011. I have been blessed today by a surprise visit from my eldest son. Always a joy to see, he brings a breath of fresh air into the cottage when he visits. He is an animal lover and all the animals except the shyest await their turn for a petting as he talks to “Pop” and me. If this surprise visit was an omen, then 2011 will be a very good year.

So, goodbye, 2010. You could have been worse. Welcome, 2011. Lets journey through the next weeks and months and see what you hold in store. Its all about the journey after all.

Be Blessed.

Over a period of time I’d had episodes of mild chest discomfort. I had also had episodes of palpations. When the palpations occurred I wasn’t too worried; I’ve had them as far back as I can remember. The chest discomfort, well, that was starting to get my attention. It was new.

It would happen for a few minutes and go away. I’d think to myself, “Self, you really need to see the doctor and find out what this is.” But, I’d get busy and not make the call.

Until last week when both hit at the same time. Not severe, mind you, but scary. I drove myself to the ER. (Don’t do this, by the way, its dangerous.) I should have called 911, but I’m independent stubborn bull-headed.

After being hooked up to an EKG machine and having an EKG run I was hooked up to monitors and left to my own thoughts for what seemed like an eternity. At long last the doctor came in and said there some “abnormalities in the EKG, but not enough to say I had or was having a heart attack. Of course, by the time he showed up the palpations and chest discomfort had ceased. 

He suggested wanted to admit me to the hospital. He wanted to run periodic blood tests through the night to be assured that I wasn’t having a heart attack. If they weren’t conclusive, he wanted to continue on with an even longer list of tests. I listened. Panic set in.

I hate hospitals. I hate being in them. I hate them so badly that I find it hard to stay long when I have a loved one admitted. It does not matter which hospital it is either. They scare me to death. I dread them.

I was polite when I explained to the kind doctor that, no, I wouldn’t do that. He was polite and sincere as he explained to me why I should do as he suggested. I said no. After he left the room, I proceeded to pull off all of the EKG stickers. Then I pulled off the leads to the monitor. (Those things put up quite a fuss when you do that, just as an FYI.)  When the nurse came back, I was dressed and only needed him to get that pesky IV thing out of my arm. Luckily there was no IV line attached. Otherwise getting my shirt on would have been impossible. No, I’d have pulled it out myself at that point. (I’ve seen them removed from my husband enough times to know how its done.)

I was discharged after signing a release for the hospital saying I had left against their medical advice.

Since then I have seen my doctor and had blood work, x-rays, and more EKG’s done. Everything is negative. Nothing has jumped out warning of my immanent demise. I’m being treated for stress and anxiety for now, but will be getting more cardiac workups done. I want to know for sure that its just stress and anxiety.

My doctor gave me strict orders: If it happens again and is severe, I am to call 911. I am to stay at the hospital, and be sure I’m OK before leaving. . . when I’m told to leave. sigh. . . I know she’s right.

If I had that day to live over, I would stay and let them do their multitude of tests. Why?  Well, because then I would already know for sure if I have a heart problem. I would have it all out of the way.

I panicked. And I’m bull-headed.

That time I was lucky my bull-headedness didn’t send me straight across the Veil.

This afternoon, my Samhain alter is set up, complete with pictures of Amy. She is still missed. A pushy cat, she managed to be in the center of each activity I undertook. Her life was short, only 3 1/2 years, but she put years of living into every moment. I know why now. . . she knew her stay was to be short and made every day count.

Tonight after the trick-or-treat crowd have come and gone, I will light my candles and celebrate Samhain.

The spirits of ancestors, loved ones, pets and familiars will gather around me to comfort and guide me along my path.

The Wheel will click another turn. Spinning as we watch the night sky and await the winter winds.

Maybe I will get one more glimpse of Amy from the corner of my eye, as she races past to join those who also await me across the veil.

Over the past few years, however, I have felt a longing to learn more.

As they often will, the gods sent me subtle messages that I should turn my attention to Druidry. They were spaced far apart at times, and I did not heed them other than to think it was an interesting path. In time the hints and pushes became such that I couldn’t ignore them any longer.

The first question was would I study the Druid path alone, as I had Wicca, or join a Druid organization? After some reading and soul searching I decided that on this quest I would join an organization. I started researching various Druid groups. Some were dismissed quickly. Others required more thought. I narrowed the field to two groups.

At that point I became torn between these two Druid organizations. Which should I join? Which had teachings I would be in tune with? It was a never-ending battle inside my heart and soul as I pondered each groups web site.

The first group I considered is the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids. Headquartered in England they are the oldest of the groups I considered.  One drawback to OBOD is that their training course is a bit expensive. Another is that, since I will not fly, it would be impossible to attend their gatherings.

The second group I considered is Ár nDraíocht Féin. ADF was founded by the late Isaac Bonewits and is headquartered  in the United States. Their gatherings are miles from my home, but the prospect of attending is not out of the question (I could drive). Membership is reasonable.

I thought and thought and I meditated. I repeated the process.

Finally I decided to join Ár nDraíocht Féin (ADF). I did so over the weekend and and am now awaiting my training materials.

Did I choose correctly? I think I did, at least for now. Neither group has any problem with a member belonging to the other group and I may eventually join OBOD as well. I have noticed many who have dual memberships and I feel it would give a more balanced perspective to undertake both avenues of training.

Have I forsaken Wicca? Not at all. A Druid can have any other religious faith they wish, as being a Druid is another thing entirely. At least, as a neophyte, that’s how I understand it. If I am wrong, I will correct the misstatement in a future post.

I stand poised to undertake a new journey that I will share with those who read these pages. Hang on. It could be an interesting ride.

Blessed Be.

I love the sounds of a summer night. so much activity going on in the darkness while humans and animals sleep. The small night creatures of yards, gardens and woodlands are active; singing their songs of summer.

Have you noticed that these night sounds change as the summer nights grow longer as we head into autumn? I hear you saying, “Autumn?!", it is summer and we are having a heat wave.”

Well, my friend, no matter how hot the days are or how warm the nights, the days are growing shorter and it will soon be autumn. As the nights grow longer and different small creatures begin their song the night sounds change. Listen for yourself.

As a country girl, I’ve listened to the change many times. It makes me sad, for it reminds me that the Wheel is about to turn yet again.

While I love all seasons, spring and summer are my favorites. The night sounds I hear tonight tell me, without a doubt, that they are drawing to a close. And they bring back memories of when I was younger.

Memories of me as a child, catching fireflies and carefully placing them into a mason jar my Daddy held for me.

Memories of midnight motorcycle rides.

Memories of campfires and gatherings where the night sounds were a backdrop for tall tales and laughter around the campfire.

Memories of Vision Quests, and soul searching, and crying out to the Moon when all things seemed for naught.

Now I hear the night sounds of summer and wonder at all those summers past, how each year has crowded into the next. Time moves with light speed as one grows older. Soon I will hear the sounds of autumn and smell the crisp smell of falling leaves. Then will come the winter winds howling across the sky. And, finally, the sounds of that group of night creatures who sing in the spring.

The Wheel turns endlessly. Each season of the turn brings its own sounds.

Listen. The Mother is speaking.