Bull-headed to the Extreme

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I am a bull-headed woman. I know, because my Daddy always said so. My daddy was always right. (You can hear me finally admitting that, can’t you Daddy?)

Over a period of time I’d had episodes of mild chest discomfort. I had also had episodes of palpations. When the palpations occurred I wasn’t too worried; I’ve had them as far back as I can remember. The chest discomfort, well, that was starting to get my attention. It was new.

It would happen for a few minutes and go away. I’d think to myself, “Self, you really need to see the doctor and find out what this is.” But, I’d get busy and not make the call.

Until last week when both hit at the same time. Not severe, mind you, but scary. I drove myself to the ER. (Don’t do this, by the way, its dangerous.) I should have called 911, but I’m independent stubborn bull-headed.

After being hooked up to an EKG machine and having an EKG run I was hooked up to monitors and left to my own thoughts for what seemed like an eternity. At long last the doctor came in and said there some “abnormalities in the EKG, but not enough to say I had or was having a heart attack. Of course, by the time he showed up the palpations and chest discomfort had ceased. 

He suggested wanted to admit me to the hospital. He wanted to run periodic blood tests through the night to be assured that I wasn’t having a heart attack. If they weren’t conclusive, he wanted to continue on with an even longer list of tests. I listened. Panic set in.

I hate hospitals. I hate being in them. I hate them so badly that I find it hard to stay long when I have a loved one admitted. It does not matter which hospital it is either. They scare me to death. I dread them.

I was polite when I explained to the kind doctor that, no, I wouldn’t do that. He was polite and sincere as he explained to me why I should do as he suggested. I said no. After he left the room, I proceeded to pull off all of the EKG stickers. Then I pulled off the leads to the monitor. (Those things put up quite a fuss when you do that, just as an FYI.)  When the nurse came back, I was dressed and only needed him to get that pesky IV thing out of my arm. Luckily there was no IV line attached. Otherwise getting my shirt on would have been impossible. No, I’d have pulled it out myself at that point. (I’ve seen them removed from my husband enough times to know how its done.)

I was discharged after signing a release for the hospital saying I had left against their medical advice.

Since then I have seen my doctor and had blood work, x-rays, and more EKG’s done. Everything is negative. Nothing has jumped out warning of my immanent demise. I’m being treated for stress and anxiety for now, but will be getting more cardiac workups done. I want to know for sure that its just stress and anxiety.

My doctor gave me strict orders: If it happens again and is severe, I am to call 911. I am to stay at the hospital, and be sure I’m OK before leaving. . . when I’m told to leave. sigh. . . I know she’s right.

If I had that day to live over, I would stay and let them do their multitude of tests. Why?  Well, because then I would already know for sure if I have a heart problem. I would have it all out of the way.

I panicked. And I’m bull-headed.

That time I was lucky my bull-headedness didn’t send me straight across the Veil.


Obama’s Czars

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I’m happy that Van Jones has resigned. But we lost one czar and gained another within two days. Not only that, but Ron Bloom now has two high level advisory positions that give him a tremendous amount of power: Manufacturing Czar and Car Czar. What do we know about him?

Glenn Beck has a list of Obama’s czars on his website (posted on August 21, 2009) that contains this information for Bloom:

6. Car Czar – Ron Bloom

NOTE: on July 13, 2009, Bloom took over as head of the Presidential Task Force on the Auto Industry, replacing Steven Rattner

Title: Counselor to the Secretary of the Treasury
Salary: unknown
Reports to: Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and National Economic Council head Larry Summers
Appointed: July 2009
Department that might have handled similar issues: Treasury

• A leader of the White House task force overseeing auto company bailouts; worked on restructuring of General Motors and Chrysler LLC.
• Was special assistant to president of the United Steelworkers union from 1996-Feb 2009
• Has negotiated restructuring deals for more than 50 companies, getting major concessions from unions and companies.
• Was raised in New York in a pro-union family, which included a schoolteacher mother and unionized relatives.
• After working for the Service Employees International Union, got an MBA from Harvard University because he thought unions lacked business smarts, he said in a 1996 interview in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.
• From 1985 to 1990, he worked as an investment banker with Lazard Freres & Co., which specializes in mergers, acquisitions and corporate restructuring, before co-founding the investment-banking firm Keilin and Bloom.

Bloom’s accomplishments seem impressive and I’ve not done any research to prove otherwise. My issue with Bloom and the other 30 plus czars is that they are not required to be vetted by the Congress or Senate. The Van Jones fiasco shows what can happen without proper vetting. If a president is going to be allowed to have czars, which to my simple mind is just a way to give pals and cronies a job, then they should be properly vetted.

Many of the czars and “special adviser’s” are holding jobs that are covered by existing Cabinet positions. The Cabinet appointees are subjected to a rigorous vetting process to assure they are qualified for the position (and do not have skeletons in the closet like Van Jones). It seems to me that the czar system is just a way to get around confirmation hearings.

I recieved a tougher background check than Van Jones before I was hired in my manufacturing job. I’m not management, I’m a worker in the factory!

Based on the example of Van Jones and the new manufacturing czar named today, it is my opinion that we the people are going to have to get on our computers and do our best to vett these men and women. We need to find out what we can about them all. Then we should send our findings to Glenn Beck, write about them in our blogs, on Face Book, and Twitter.We need to dig out the information and circulated it so other concerned citizens will know what is going on.

We have much work ahead of us. I know that we concerned citizens and patriots can do what needs to be done.

Caregiving Issues – BPD


My husband suffers from many health problems, one of which is Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD).  http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/ He was officially diagnosed in 1999, nine years into our relationship. Once I did some research and understood the disorder, which in his case is accompanied by chronic depression, it made dealing with him easier.

In BPD the person suffering with the disorder sees others as either all good or all bad. This viewpoint can change within the blink of an eye in my husband’s case. This weekend I have been all bad. I don’t care enough, I don’t do enough, I am not attentive enough, the list could go on forever. Even though I know the reason for this barrage of criticism, it still takes it’s toll.

He is worse in the evenings, and today I have to go to work early, which means I will be home in the evening, again. The third day in a row. Oh, joy!

I needed to vent, and since he does not “do” computers, I vented here, on my blog.

– WalksAlone

A Plan In Action

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I saw an attorney today and after looking over my paperwork, he assured me that I was correct. He also assured me that it could and would be taken care of. It will be about two weeks until we can really move forward, but, I was told to stop worrying, stop losing sleep, and to stop being stressed, that it was going to be okay.

It still hasn’t completely sunk in yet, but I’m getting there on the calm down thing. Thanks to all for bearing with these last few crazy posts.

A Plan

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After spending the best part of yesterday pulling out bankers boxes from the basement and going through reams of saved papers, I found most of what I was looking for.

I learned that my gut feeling is correct, there is something amiss in a contract I’m under. Armed with this information, I know I have to call a lawyer and let someone other than me handle it from here on out. I’ll be setting that appointment up tomorrow.

Now for the hard part. I have to tell my brain to let it go, stop obsessing, stop the anxiety and depression, stop worrying. I’m finding that almost impossible to do, and yet, I must.

One day next week I will turn the mundane, physical evidence over to a contract lawyer. Today I have to turn the mental, spiritual part of my anguish at being cheated over to the Goddess and God.

Late Night Blogging. . .Again

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I am a morning person by nature. However, for the last ten years I have worked “second” shift, those hours from mid-afternoon until around midnight and thus am often up and about while others sleep. Right now I have some personal worries which I won’t discuss here. Enough to say they are distracting me during most of my waking hours and especially while I’m at work.

While I know deep down inside that all will work out, I still have my tendency to obsess over things and worry over things until my brain speeds along at thousands of miles per hour going over and over the same internal conversation. These are the times I fear for my sanity (if I ever had any). 

An old friend of mine used to call this “the paralysis of analysis.” He had it right, for when my brain kicks into anxiety mode and tries to analyse every detail of what might happen and when, I may as well be paralysed.

So tonight as ready myself for a few hours sleep, I’m asking the Goddess, God and Creator to aid me in putting my restless mind to rest and let me decide on a plan of action and then act on it without this constant droning of circling thoughts.

May all my readers be blessed in all that they undertake to do. Bright Blessings to all.

Midnight Musings

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Life has been busy and full of little things to do lately that have soaked up much of my time. Add to that the fact that old age is catching up to me in leaps and bounds and you have a recipe for letting my writing time disappear.

So, here I sit in the middle of the night at my keyboard with nothing earth shattering to say. No profound words of wisdom, no brilliant insights, nothing.

In my little world tonight I’m unhappy about the state of our beautiful country and uneasy with our current leaders. I am concerned for my job and the jobs of millions of others in the United States. I am worried about one of my on-line friends who is under a lot of emotional stress.

I worry about my children as they struggle to make ends meet, walking in my footsteps as they take on more and more to get by.

I feel I have accumulated too much clutter, physical and emotional. I’m trying in my own haphazard way to sort that out in my mind first, before I tackle it on the physical plane.

I am faced with the feeling of having so much I want to do and contribute and that I’m giving out of time. I see the days growing shorter and morn in advance for the passing of summer. The days, months and years seem to pass with increasing speed as I grow older. I feel the Ice Crone’s breath at my back. I dare not turn around to look.

No, I am not ill, nor in impending bad health. Nothing wrong but arthritis and feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all at times. Nothing we all don’t face in these times. But for now, I’ll call it a day, sleep, and wake to start the dance again.

Bright Blessings.